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Nugget the Plover Assassin Trains for the 2009 Nauset Beach Season
Bred with the scent-tracking prowess of Beagle and the unrelentless bloodthirst of Pug, Nugget the Plover Assassin protects Cape Cod beachgoers from the dangers of the feared predator Piping Plover.
The piping plover, a plentiful nuisance throughout much of the United States, is making a dangerous return to the pristine shores of Cape Cod.
Threatening all around it, the cagey Charadrius melodus is rebounding in record numbers, laying many miles of sandy coastline uninhabitable by humans.
Nugget the Plover Assassin is well versed with the deadly methods of plover ingenuity. Nursed from birth on a solution of plover yolk and frigid seawater, Nugget grew up to despise the armies of plovers plotting on the grassy dunes around her at Nauset Beach in Orleans, MA. | (View Article) |
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Coutroom Brief: LCD Dating Services found not liable in Westborough Baptist Church blackmail case; ringleader Granny McDermalick and sons sentenced to 3 years
LCD Dating Services has been cleared of wrongdoing in a blackmail scam in which 17 members of the controversial Westborough Baptist Church were bilked out of nearly $50,000. The church, which is infamous for disrupting the funerals of fallen soldiers, was reportedly targeted by elderly mastermind Granny McDermalick and her sons Tito and Seamus.
Granny would lure members of the Westboro Baptist Church onto dates using a popular web site for LCD Dating Services, with the promise of letting them fulfill their sordid sexual rape fantasies upon a defenseless old woman. Her sons would then enter the room and forcibly sodomize the men with broomsticks. Granny photographed the greasy mess, using the pictures to blackmail the notoriously anti-gay Church members and their families.
A jury
ruled in favor of the plaintiff Westboro Baptist Church, although the sentence of 3 years by Judge Charles T. Pickeron is the most leniant for this type of crime in Massachusetts history. "Despite the thousands of pictures capturing the 17 alleged assaults, very little photographic evidence was presented that suggests the Westborough Baptist Church members were not willing partipants. Most victims of such crimes do not seem to so thoroughly enjoy themselves on camera." Pickeron noted. | View Article |
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| Stupid Trends In Marketing |
"Drinkability" in Light Beer
Guys, If you don't like the taste of beer, don't drink it. Yeah, you can drink a lot of your precious light beers, tough guy. But there's less alcohol. So stop counting. No one cares. There's a reason light beers are marketed towards 17 year olds. And why whiskey isn't. So stop being so much of a pussy and keep your watery Bud Light counting heroics to yourself. |
Main Street vs. Wall Street
Near where I live, Main Street is where any asshole who scratches up $20 can go to get a semi-toothed blowjob from some heroin-addicted hooker. So stop using Main St. as a metaphor for the common man in the face of Wall St. capitalistic excess. Your constantly reinforcing "news" coverage is the primary reason everyone got so fucking negative about the economy anyway. |
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 "Send me money or I'll kill this tree!"
Guest Columnist Don Whitman, Millbridge MA
With all of you guilt-ridden environ-mental midgets out there willing to spend money on your lunatic "save the planet" conspiracies like carbon credits and organic apples, now is the perfect time to step up and show your support for your precious Mother Earth.
Put your money where your mouth is. Send me money, or I’ll kill this tree!
This maple is one of my neighborhood’s largest absorbers of deadly carbon dioxide, and the home to many nesting birds. It is a perfect shade tree, and has provided my family years of enjoyment.
But winter is coming. Firewood is needed. And this tree is first on my list. | (View Article)
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 Local Homeless Woman Starves to Death Outside of Anti-Abortion Rally
NEWS BRIEF- October 5, 2008 -
WORCESTER, MA --
Local homeless woman Samantha “Snaggletooth” Nelson was found dead on a bench at Elm Park in Worcester after a recent anti-abortion rally. The cause of death appears to be starvation.
Ms. Nelson’s corpse was discovered by a six year old boy attending the Pro-Fetus rally with his ultra-religious parents. Police are investigating why the death was ignored for many hours by the other rally attendees, who apparently were so concerned with saving the unwanted babies of strangers that they didn’t hear Ms. Nelson’s final hours of desperate pleas for Christian charity.
Witnesses report that the deceased Ms. Nelson was admonished by a nearby rally attendee in post-mortem for not holding up a sign in support of their cause, instead slumping on the bench with a small cardboard square reading “Please God Someone Help Me, I’m Starving.”
She is survived by a tapeworm named Thelma. |
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Barack Obama, Racism, and Religion
Is Barack Obama's decades-long silent consent of his racist pastor Jeremiah Wright's incendiary words indicative of the larger problem of racism in our society? Is it solely a race issue?
Or is it tacit acknowledgement that a United States Presidential candidate must express deep religious convictions in order to carry certain segments of our population who are only capable of associating virtue, morality and values with strong religious faith?
Is an agnostic morality based solely upon a deep, rational evaluation of right and wrong somehow less valid than a morality based upon fear of reprisal from a higher power? | (View Article)
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| Opinion Survey: " We asked some folks on Main Street in Worcester "Who would you rather see moving in next door to you: O.J. Simpson, a Meth freak, or a Child Molester?" |
"Huh? Meth? You got some a dat boy? What else you got in them pockets bitch?"
- Calvin
Worcester MA |
"I'll take the Juice. My wife's brunette and i don't collect sports junk, I should be safe."
- Don Whitman
Millbridge MA
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"The Diddler. I'm Level 2 myself, God help me. Plus O.J. seems like such a bad guy."
- Walter Combs
Sturbridge MA
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"O.J. I guess. He seems good to his kids."
- Norma Jizzly
Oxford MA |
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"Why I support teen pregnancy”
Guest Columnist
Don Whitman,
Millbridge, MA
Years ago, late in the last millennium, Republicans anointed themselves as the saviors of “Family Values” to increase their electability among religious conservatives. Abstinence-only sex-ed policies in schools and Pro-Life views on abortion were primary tenets of this creed. This was a mistake.
As our national deficit skyrocketed under their supposedly “fiscally conservative” economic policies, other hypocrisies reared their ugly heads quicker than a congressional foot brushing into your stall at Midwestern airport. An urgent need was realized – since all of this national debt was being passed to our grandchildren, it is important to limit this burden as much as possible by increasing the number of people who will be paying it off. The era of Family Values has come to a close. | (View Article)
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America in Decline: The Economics of Disaster and The Decline of The American Presidency
 Better roll up your pantlegs America, the Outhouse Basement is nearly full.
We're fucked.
We can't rule the world forever - if this is the best we can do, it's already too late.
American classrooms have long instilled American Democracy as the most perfect system of governance created by man.
This illusion is essential to create the ambivalence required to sustain a permanent election cycle, where political self-preservation takes precedence over the needs of our country. | (View Article) |
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